posting from ‘Homeless’ continued

Good evening, I have achieved a lot in the last few days, but I am very tired.

Just thinking about the church of england’s patent cure for Autism, trauma and abuse, I don’t think brutality, cover-ups and destroying someone will ever be recommended by NICE. No, it didn’t make me do things the way the church wanted.

We are copying off the homeless blog tonight, but be aware that when I do ***** etc, that is hiding a name rather than swearing, if I copy direct and do not edit much, then ***** will appear a lot.

I must just remind you that ‘The Wanderer’ is my day to day homeless blog and ‘Homeless’ is the historic blog that was split from ‘The Wanderer’ as the two together was a very big blog.

I will have to be careful not to swamp you with information from ‘homeless’ as there is an awful lot, and I was just looking at it, spoilt for choice as to what to transfer while I get the energy to transfer the serious stuff.

This was written on 29/10/2011:

a short version of an ongoing poem of comparisons

who are these people who abused you?
Christians?
well a Christian is a follower of Christ,
and did he abuse or advocate it?

who are these people who called you mad?
Christians?
did Jesus condemn madness and use it to cover his tracks?
did he wrongly accuse anyone as madness?
no, he helped legion and didn’t blame him

Who are these people who called you wicked, a liar, mad and all those other terrible things?
Christians?
when did Jesus do this? when did he advocate it? Never, it was done to Him
these people who have done these things are covering up their own wrongdoing
at such a price to the one they do it to
just as they did to Jesus when He shamed them

who are these people, in their big houses and so surrounded by wealth and good
that they have no understanding of poverty and pain? and yet for show they claim to help the poor?
Christians?
Jesus was homeless and had nothing,
he was scorned  and crucified by the people who claimed to be teachers of God’s law
think about that and think about who is writing this

Jesus died in pain and agony, who are these people who suffer nothing and live in luxury?
Christians?
did Jesus work in an organization that puts out it’s hands for money, hires out it’s places of worship for money and lives behind lawyers, advisers and safeguarding?
Jesus turned the tables over in the temple in anger
but the church conveniently erases that, interprets that as they like
and despises and looks down on people like me, who struggle to build a better life out of poverty

The unforgiving church destroyed me for my distress and speaking out
are these people Christians?
Jesus taught forgiveness but the church in the strong position preferred harsh punishments
just as they had Jesus crucified thousands of years ago.
just as they crucified me, though I am no-one, just a thorn in their side

Posted 18/11/2012, please note, the adoptive mother and violent husband are JM and her husband, not the church warden couple.
The stupor I lived in was a real dissociative trance that kept me alive at that time, a year after leaving Jersey and very severely traumatized. Too traumatized for any therapy to work, it was being on the streets and beyond the Diocese that kept me alive


Tuesday, 18 October 2011

memories

Memories:

Every day is full is memories, I try not to let it be, I live in a stupor where memories are not allowed, but they break through anyway, flashes of memories, memories of my brothers tormenting me, my sister sneering at me from her position of a year older than me and not autistic, memories of the endless trauma and violence and abuse and stress of our childhood on the move and outcast from society, memories, memories,
 memories of the beautiful fields of my home county and the wonderful agricultural and horticultural work that I did, memories of being cuddled into my adoptive mother’s arms, and her jealous husband’s violent temper and abuse of me, memories of my efforts to be a good and useful person in the community and the church,
memories of my former counsellor, the steadiest and most insightful and kind person I have met, memories of struggles to look after myself and make ends meet, and my failures and debts, memories of being back in college and back to working on farms, memories of the days when I began to see a future, memories of the sea and the boats and being surrounded by friends and beginning to have quality of life, memories of abuse and collapse and the whole world going dark, the memories I try hardest to drown out, the memories that are hardest to drown out.

please save me I am falling here, I am lost and alone.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s