Well the weather is a bit bad.
It is 2014, and I hope it is a better year, 2013 was a very tough year because the Diocese of Winchester harmed me for 9 months and there was nothing to show for what they did except my life in tatters, me in hiding and the whole rebuild of my life including college and my charity work ruined and terminated because of the serious damage done to me by the Diocese, I had to quit college and I am very sad about that as it was productive, beneficial and focused.
It was March that the Diocese launched on me in a very unmanaged and harmful way, and the end of November by the time they had wrecked my life and left me very unwell, that is most of the year ruined, and I pray earnestly that they do not do any kind of repeat performance or follow-up this year.
I do not need the Diocese’s troubles, in my own life I remain vulnerable to dangerous and abusive situations, because, even though I can say that, I still cannot judge motives and can still end up in inappropriate and potentially dangerous situations, as I have done several times in the past year, and having such a one-sided and damaging record from the diocese means I am more at risk, cannot defend myself and have no access to police assistance or protection. I have not improved very much on my ability to judge potentially dangerous or abusive situations, but I feel that if I can both stay off the streets and stay clear of the Diocese and their police, I can go on trying to survive and go on battling to access therapy, and hopefully, with time, my understanding of interpersonal relationships will improve and I will be less vulnerable as well as less fearful and unable to respond to help because of attachment disorder.
It all seems a bit hopeless, my safety and my access to protection from abuse have been ripped from me by the Diocese’s need to brand me a criminal and defame me and label me as mad and bad, it leaves a very bleak future whichever way I look at it, I will always be a fugitive from their branding of me and will always have poor quality of life and be at risk and in fear, especially as my problems make their branding of me appear justified despite it being unchristian, callous and wrong, none of them would want to be ruined for being abused and suffeirng disorders beyond their control and unable to cope with the damage, this is why I ask God to let this year be the year that I quietly pass away, another 30 or 40 years of this damaged life is a horrifying thought, though the collective damage to me means I believe my lifespan is already significantly shortened.
As I cannot marry and raise a family, work in a productive or skilled job, let alone work at all, am limited as to what charity work I can do, am villified, branded and denied a second chance at life by the Diocese’s recent actions and severely traumatized and physically and emotionally damaged and terrified of intervention, my prayer for death is not irrational or induced by the mental illness that the diocese, unqualified to make such diagnosis, tried to force me to have, and which has been refuted repeatedly, my wish to depart the world is rational and based on the reality of the seriousness of my situation and the lack of hope for anything better or any return of quality of life, escape from poverty and the dangers of the underworld in which I am forced to live, and is not accompanied by suicidal thoughts.
Basically, living in a world where abusers are believed, supported, sheltered, condoned, have a blind eye turned to them, and usually women, children and the vulnerable have to endure abuse and suffer worse if they report it, is not a good thing, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it, and I am waiting on God to be merciful and free me from a world where I am judged worse than an abuser by ‘Christians’. Who have no qualms or conscience about their own actions and behaviour and see themselves as good and Christian, despite their untruths, cover-ups, harmful behaviour, abuse, lack of responsibility and accountability, and more.
I didn’t sleep until 5am this morning and woke at 8, I am sitting in bed as the rain and wind batter the house, and feeling a bit fed up because I don’t drink, didn’t drink last night but I have a hangover from lack of sleep.
At least I do not have to go anywhere today, and I pray for all the homeless out in this weather, for shelter.
Because I am the lucky one for now, I am not out in it, but I know what it is like to be homeless in bad weather when everywhere is closed for Christmas and New Year.
Later I will do some New Year’s prayers and resolutions.
Last night I was telling someone about the dustbins talking when I was homeless.
I am very active in my sleep, I snore, talk, scream, lash out with my fists, and once in Jersey I even ran out of my room and across the landing, screaming in my sleep.
Being so noisy and disrupted in sleep is not a great thing for a rough sleeper as it can give your hiding place away and put you at risk, and when I was sleeping among the dustbins once, my friend said she came along and she could hear the dustbins chattering away. (it was me, talking in my sleep, I am not mad) 🙂
Another thing I did when I was sleeping in a church porch was I hit the door so hard that I broke a few nails and had a green hand from the algae on the door. Woah!
Please excuse the gloom of the New Years Message, things can only get better, and it would be nice if I could hope that they would.