the Patience of a Saint,

Would anyone go through it all, smiling sweetly and with the patience of a Saint. Everything the Church of England have put me through? To Quote Saint Philip Bailhache on patience of Saints. He has never met me so he must be very clever and Gifted from God to judge me as being someone who would try the patience of a Saint.
I suppose he would know about such things though?

Would anyone? A normal person go through it all smiling? No, but a ‘normal person’ (neurotypical, stable background, able to support themselves) would both be assertive and would walk away from unhealthy relationships, and would not need a surrogate family in which they would be abused. Wouldn’t be vulnerable and would not let themselves be walked on by church employees and volunteers, would see sense and walk away immediately because self-worth would tell them they should not be being treated that way, the way I have been treated.

Have I already asked, can anyone see how the wealthy old people in the church who have closed ranks, who went to boarding schools and had everything, cannot possibly understand and therefore investigate my complaint? That is not bitterness, I would not want to trade places with them, because the greatest peace and happiness I have known is owning nothing and sleeping under the stars, and I feel sorry for the church of england ranks who in all their wealth and narrowness will never know that joy.

I grew up in what could loosely be described as a travelling cult. By age four, I had had three head injuries, two from falls and one from being hot on the head by a hammer, these never received medical attention, because, just as my parents didn’t believe in school, they didn’t believe in doctors, and so, twice I suffered unconsciousness and concussion which should have been checked, it remains that I am possibly brain damaged but the NHS have been less than helpful since I first registered properly when I left my family, the NHS has gaps in their service when it comes to people from traumatic backgrounds and for people with autism, the ‘mental health’ services do not cover these gaps, this is my experience.

Anyway, by the time I was 7 years old, I had been sexually and physically and mentally abused, and, with my family, I was homeless, on the streets, squatting and then in a hostel, and my life continued in that vein.
By the time I left my family, aged 17, I was very deeply troubled, having been in a closed family and not diagnozed with autism or learning difficulties, but frequently harshly punished for the learning difficulties by my Father, who did not understand.
When I left my family, I had never known a settled home, never known stability, had suffered severe physical punishments since I was a toddler and had witnessed and suffered severe and prolonged violence with my family, especially aged 12, when I suffered a breakdown as a result and did not fully recover, nor did I receive medical help then.

Aged 17, when I left my family, I was lacking in appropriate social and communication skills and very frightened and anxious, to extremes and unsure how to relate to others properly or even be in the ‘normal world’, my head was full of the cult prophecies and superstitions and what I had been taught, but at the same time I knew it was all at odds with the ‘real world’, but I was afraid to choose between the ‘safe’ cult teachings (brainwashing) and the real world, where I was afraid God would punish and reject me for rejecting the cult ways and beliefs, it was a turbulent time as I started to separate from the cult influence.

It took years really, to distance myself from cult beliefs, and in reality, it all does still affect me, and some of what was happening in Jersey was that the cult-like church practices there caused some flashbacks.
But anyway, in the beginning this separation was a big thing, having to decide between the terrifying beliefs still being pushed onto me by my parents even when I had left them, and the real world in which I was now living. I was young, vulnerable, traumatized and confused.

I was lucky in that, for two years after leaving my family, I lodged with a safe and inclusive family, who helped me to improve my verbal and social skills a lot, they were very kind, and remained my friends after I left their home until the diocese wiped out my life on my return from Jersey to Hampshire in 2010.

It was after those two years when I was struggling and misunderstood at college and JM became college counsellor and took me to her home and churches and eventually to stay with her, where her actions and attitudes wore me down as she was very critical of me to other people and kept no confidences despite having been my counsellor, refused to allow what I had experienced to be real and tried to block me being disagnosed with autism, saying I was responsible for how I was, and she also let her husband, who was formerly alledged to have abused his daughter and abandoned her, spend a lot of time alone with me, and abuse me.

This was the start of the church of england’s grinding me down, blaming me, labelling me and and leaving me voiceless and suffering.
That has been my experience of the Church of England and their attitude to me, even when they ‘help’ they will not do it within boundaries and when it goes wrong because of this, they take their pound of flesh with interest and malign and judge and condemn me, accepting no responsibility for themselves or their actions, and this is how they represent Christianity to the general public.

This post will be followed by another post later in the day as it is now gone midnight.

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