Sex without the duvet. One thing that really stands out in my memory when I think about the Church Warden in Jersey, is his ‘sex without the duvet’ remark. It is still a sickening but also bizarre and very faintly amusing conversation.
In the evenings, the churchwarden would be in his office, and his wife would watch television. If I went upstairs to the toilet (the only toilet in the house was upstairs) or to my room for something, the churchwarden would call me to him, offer me a hug, or sit me on his knees, the reason I allowed this was because he had made the relationship into a parent and child one, regressing me to childhood (which in itself was very harmful combined with his sexual behaviour, especially in the years afterwards as I remained regressed and could not cope with the church’s response to the abuse).
Anyway, , the churchwarden called me to him and sat me on his knees. We were talking, and I cannot remember without looking at the statements, what the rest of the conversation was about, but he told me that sex was better without the duvet in the way because you could get much closer together.
I am pretty sure I replied that he was just an old man, and I got off his knees and went downstairs to his wife and talked to her about red sports cars (because for some time, despite my dislike of red, I was always thinking about red sports cars).
Later the churchwarden seemed worried and asked me if I had told his wife what he had told me (he must have known it was wrong to tell me that, but at the time, beyond being a bit shocked, I didn’t really understand or do anything). I told him that I had only talked to her about red sports cars.
He said she would be embarrased about the sex without the duvet conversation, but later when I spoke up about the abuse he denied any inappropriate conversation, although he admitted some of his behaviour both to the police and JM, but claimed to have been trying to heal me, and claimed to JM that the sexual conversations were about healing me from childhood abuse as he believed my problems were sexual.
I wonder how many other adult church abuse survivors have heard that one?
But anyway, in my scant understanding of sex and relationships, at least I know that sex is better without the duvet, although I have no intention of ever checking that for myself.
Those who don’t already understand this, I was already childlike, but the churchwarden called me his ‘little daughter’ and regressed me to young childhood, calling himself my ‘daddy’ and his wife my ‘mummy’ despite her resentment, and unfortunately he was not a therapist but the regression and sexual behaviour left me childlike and re-abused with no resolution and I remained thinking like a child and very disturbed and bewildered with no-one apart from Autism Jersey able to help, and as they were very stretched indeed in budget and resources, it was hard for them to help. And back then, psychological services in Jersey would not accept an autistic person for treatment, which is why I campaigned about that, and they changed things, too late for me.
The damage is lasting, and has yet to be addressed. But I am in the correct therapy for it.