This is a very very small extract from my statements, there are hundreds of pages worth as this has been a very complicated case. There is much much more to this than I have collated here, but my resources are limited and no one has time to read the full statement, even though letting anyone see a limited amount gives the churchwardenan advantage. Bringing a complaint against the churchwardenhas added to the devastation that he and the churchwarden’s wife did to my life, but I think people need to know so that it doesn’t happen again.
the churchwarden‘adopted me’ though not legally, and he regressed me so I was like a child with him, he then launched a massive project emotional and sexual abuse against me, while being a ‘good father’ and blaming me for my reaction of pain, anger, confusion and depression.
What else happened:
Many times the churchwardensat me on his knees in his home office, he rested his head against me and told me about marriage and married people enjoying each others bodies, he told me that he had to make an effort to love his wife after all these years. He told me about the girls on **** ******* who he talked to about married people enjoying each others bodies, he told me about people at work who he talked to about sex, he told me about one girl who was ‘good’ because she didn’t sleep with her boyfriend till they were married and one girl who became a Christian and refused to sleep with her boyfriend until he married her the churchwarden said the girl said it was the longest 3 months of her life before her boyfriend married her.
the churchwarden said to me ‘you like us talking about these things when we are warm and close like this, don’t you?’
I liked being cuddled by Daddy and I wanted daddy to know that I wasn’t embarrassed by, or interested in, sex.
One time on Daddy’s knee:
Churchwarden: ‘Sex is better without the Duvet in the way, you can get much closer together without the duvet in the way’
Me: ‘you are just an old man’.
I climbed off his knee.
the churchwarden was laughing like mad, so I walked away, I went to talk to the churchwarden’s wife and tell her some other things, nothing to do with sex.
Later the churchwarden called me to him, ‘you didn’t tell ***** what I said about the duvet did you? She would be so embarrassed’.
‘No, I didn’t’
It was around this time that the churchwarden asked me if I’d been raped, I was very ashamed and hid from him, the churchwarden came after me and persisted in asking, he hugged me and told me that it made him love me even more. He told me that he’d heard that women felt dirty and ashamed when they’d been raped, he wanted to know if I’d had a child by the rapist.
It started a very turbulent time of flashbacks that made the churchwarden’s wife angry again.
the churchwarden continued the questions and the physical affection.
He would tell me to lie down and would pin me against the sofa, how? With me lying down, he used the top half of his body only (good for him!) or it would have been serious, he hugged me against the sofa and made movements that could be described as sexual, one time he did this he kissed my neck, and most times he said ‘you like that, you love your daddy don’t you? He tended to do this when the his wife had gone upstairs because she tended to go upstairs first in the evening and have a bath then go to bed, he did this possibly five or six times, two of the times were when I had been away in England and came back, one time he was not quite pinning me but was half over me on the sofa with his arms either side of me when the churchwarden’s wife walked in, he said to me ‘you are very daughterish’, and removed himself,
‘heydaddy’. (this was just an autistic thing I said, I do kind of have sayings and odd noises I make when I am with people I know, it’s a bit odd).
the churchwarden’s wife didn’t say anything.
He also took to pulling me onto his lap in the front room when the his wife had gone upstairs, in the end I didn’t sit alone with the churchwarden in when the churchwarden’s wife had gone upstairs, but the churchwarden would kiss me on the lips goodnight, and a few times he would keep holding me, and he’d be shaking.
At some point the churchwarden came with me to his son’s house where I was house sitting, as we had to find some paperwork, the churchwarden started hugging me when we got there, his hands slipped and he touched my breasts, he had done this before but I don’t recall when, I just remember that I had said no to this before, and I said to the churchwarden‘ I will hit you if you do that again’. the churchwarden let go of me and sat down, he stayed sitting and was praying as I looked for the paperwork, then I showed him some songs in my songs and poems scrapbook and we pretended nothing had happened.
But it was not the last time that he did that, there were more occasions and once I did slap him, one night at a later date, when the churchwarden’s wife had gone to bed and the churchwarden and I were about to go to the post box to post letters, his hands slipped and I hit him, ‘did I just hit you?’ ‘yes’ , ‘oh, sorry’.
It was probably the Beginning of November that I went to live with the churchwarden and the churchwarden’s wife.
the churchwarden was enthusiastic, the churchwarden’s wife was not too keen, she said it was only for a week or so while I found somewhere, ‘because grown up daughters shouldn’t be at home’.
the churchwarden said ‘oh she’ll get used to you being here, I want you to be here so we can get to know you better and help you’.
Every day the churchwarden would hold me and cuddle me, the churchwarden’s wife allowed this. When the churchwarden’s wife wasn’t around, the churchwarden would sit me on his knee and sometimes he would rest his head on my chest, I allowed this because he turned his head sideways and just rested his cheek lightly and I just thought he was old fashioned innocent and eccentric.
I think it was in November/December that the churchwarden came to hug me, as he did frequently throughout the day, and as he hugged me he told me that the churchwarden’s wife didn’t like us hugging so much. I let go of him and said, ‘then don’t keep hugging me’ the churchwarden kicked up a fuss.
I found the churchwarden’s wife and said ‘are you unhappy about me and **** hugging so much?’
the churchwarden’s wife said ‘no I know both of you and trust you.’
I told the churchwarden this, and he said ‘**** is lying, she doesn’t want a fuss’.
A similar situation occurred later when the churchwarden told me his wife thought I would be a burden to her for the rest of her life, and I think quite a few of these situations occurred throughout the friendship, with two sides being told to me. Ouch. (that burden slur has haunted me ever since, I am not sure how anyone could see things like that as being healing).
He took to calling me to him when he was working in his home office, where he spends long hours doing church admin, he would hold me briefly and then say, ‘I must get on’, I said to him ‘lets not have these brief cuddles as I feel like I am in your way, lets leave cuddles until you aren’t doing paperwork’ He said ‘you really have a problem with me working’,
‘No I do not!’.
the churchwarden made me like a small child, he cuddled the child to him and called himself Daddy, but at the same time he talked about sexuality and got very close, I wanted to be a small child, re-do my childhood, and that was what the churchwarden seemed to be offering. (said he was).
the churchwarden kissed my lips on a number of occasions, and my neck, but he told me off for kissing his cheek when I hugged him and commented on my feelings for him because I kissed his cheek, just as I do kiss my friends cheeks (although not often), ‘people will think you fancy me’, that made me angry and I lashed out (verbally), upsetting the churchwarden’s wife. the churchwarden was playing games, I didn’t really realise it.
On several occasions I told the churchwarden that he wasn’t to hug me because he was playing games, ‘what will people think?’ – (this was a game where he would touch me or hug me and then say people might notice or people were talking about us).
‘Well ****, if I don’t allow you to touch me, they cant think anything’, a huge fuss was made (by him)
‘look how much this is upsetting ****, you not allowing hugs’. (he would say I was upsetting his wife if I DIDN’T allow hugs, I couldn’t win).
Mummy’s got bruises:
the churchwarden seemed to need me to know that he was still sexually active at his age.
We were having breakfast one Sunday, the conversation was fascinating, I was being autistic and it was fish and butter for breakfast:
‘fish? Fish? Fish, butter, Daddy show me how to put butter on the fish’ (I hadn’t had fish and butter before I met the churchwarden and his wife)
‘You don’t use the wooden knife or mummy will be cross’,
the churchwarden’s wife said something about a bruise that she didn’t know where she’d got it.
****,( very sexually), ‘oh, Mummy has bruises in places that she can’t show you’
his wife spluttered.
Me: ‘Don’t be revolting ,****’
End of conversation.
· What did he do:
· In church, holding me and hugging me, yet telling me people were talking about him and me
· Going in a room alone with me yet telling me people were talking
· Telling me off for platonic kisses when his were not.
· Forcing contact
· Doing physical therapy
· Doing sexual therapy
· The thinks he said about sex
· Causing problems between me and his wife (which the man from Autism Jersey said is what some predatory men do to ensure they are not held at fault if their behaviour is discovered).
· Emotional torture
· the churchwarden did some very odd things
· the churchwarden found out that I was wary of having my upper arms and my neck touched. So he developed a routine – he would stand there very tall and straight and gesture me to come to him, a little flick of his hand, ‘come here’, he would make me put my head right up in the air and he would stroke my neck, at first I would choke when he did this, but I got used to it, it did alarm me, and it did make the churchwarden’s wife tut, then he would do my arms, stroking continuously up and down, I never got used to that, it is a physically uncomfortable experience, and this routine usually left me a bit confused, the churchwarden called it ‘my medicine’ or ‘putting me through my paces’, it was odd, he could well be helping me, but on the other hand it could be that the churchwarden needed to be ‘in charge’, male dominance, I wondered if the pinning down was the same sort of thing, he did it when I’d been away and come back, reasserting his dominance?. the churchwarden needed me to know that he was ‘the man’, he jeered at me about my physical strength, hence my comment in the ‘slap on the nose email’ about ‘Male identity’.
· the churchwarden does jeer, it’s surprising for such a ‘gentle, humble man‘, but he does, I was very shy and embarrassed sometimes, he would come out with things like calling people sunbathing ‘beached walruses, and repeatedly commented on my weight (no longer an issue due to all this, the trauma diet.)
· At the end of my friendship with the churchwardenand his wife I was trying desparately to repair what was left of the relationship, and the churchwarden was just calmly smashing me about with the things that he said his wife was saying or thinking about me, I realised finally that he was playing games, always had and always would, he wasn’t going to take any responsibility or help ease the distress.
· the churchwarden’s wife was being nice to me, but the churchwardensaid it was just because she was a good Christian, I had previously told them both that I wouldn’t say anything against them to anyone because I loved them, but I was taking the weight of blame and had them talking about me to people.
· I realised that the churchwarden wasn’t going to stop playing games, he wasn’t going to work with me to rebuild the friendship, he’d never made any effort to do so, he just kept telling me what his wife thought of me, he talked to other people about me, no attempt was ever made to sit and talk with me about problems, apart from when I got the churchwarden’s wife to talk to me when the churchwarden said that his wife thought I would be a burden to her for the rest of her life (what a lovely thing to say about someone you’ve adopted knowing that they have problems).
· Neither the churchwarden’s wife nor the churchwarden were emotionally capable of carrying out the commitment of taking in a damaged person, ‘adopting’ them and ‘healing them’ as they claimed to be doing, his ‘healing methods’ such as the ‘medicine’ above, had their side effects that the churchwarden and wife triggered and couldn’t cope with, yet they told everyone else that they couldn’t cope, and I was shamed and embarrassed in church. And the Vicar and their close friend, the reader, never spoke to me about how I was deteriorating or warned me he was under restrictions (which were not being implemented)
· A thought occurred, did the churchwarden talk about me getting pregnant because he wanted to go further with me but didn’t dare? I don’t know, never will know, it was just a sudden thought. I think that conversation continued on the subject of sex and masturbation, or there was a similar conversation, I didn’t start the conversation but I was silly enough to join in, I was alone with the churchwarden on the sofa.
· It could be very difficult to read what his thoughts and intentions were, for example the sudden biting at my chest, why did he do that? He couldn’t say it was ‘therapy’, was it a game? Was he being just irresponsible? Testing my reactions? When I put my finger on his nose and said ’no’, he just grinned and said nothing, he never apologised. I was shaking, surely a loving Daddy doesn’t do things like that.
· the churchwarden sitting me on his knee was always at his invitation and when the wife wasn’t around, I never went to him and climbed on his knee, he used to sit me across his knees, so my bottom was one side and my legs were hanging down the other side, he didn’t sit me facing him, but once when he was manouvering things he said something about ‘ending up in a position that we don’t want to be in’, but he was my daddy. the churchwarden’s wife must have seen me sitting on his knees at least once, one time when she came up to the bathroom and I was sitting on his knees in his office and the churchwarden said ‘***** may not like us doing this’, the churchwarden’s wife didn’t say anything though, and I said to her that the churchwarden was telling me about God. Looking back and thinking about all this I really shouldn’t have let him do these things, and I should really have thought about why his wife would have not liked that but at the time he was ‘Daddy’, trying to cure me, trying to mend me, and I wanted to be mended and be part of a family I completely trusted him, every other word from him was God and scripture, so I thought he must be trustworthy. I should have known better, I really should.
· the churchwarden talked about sex outside of marriage, something about the reason why I wouldn’t have sex, if it was because of fear? At the time I thought he meant fear of God, (this was before he asked me about being raped) and I told him that it wasn’t fear of God’s judgement, it was about honouring God.
· When I was showing the churchwarden and his wife photographs, the churchwarden wanted to look closer at the photo of me in a swimsuit but I wouldn’t let him, so he tried to snatch the page of photos off me and I crumpled them up because I was embarrassed, the churchwarden’s wife went mad at me. My behavioural problems? My behavioural problems?
· Daddies don’t often make a point of talking sex to daughters, they are usually too embarrassed. (this is what the man at autism Jersey told me) I didn’t think about that at the time, I just thought how loving and nurturing daddy was, cuddling me in his arms and I thought that because he was a Christian and married that he must have the right motives. How stupid and naive I was, even after all my life story.
· Even with friends that I’ve known a long time, even JM, I was never asked if I was raped and we don’t discuss rape, none of my male friends have ever talked about rape and it is rare for sex to be in the conversation. the churchwarden started talking about sex soon after I met him, I should have, may have seen a warning sign in that, but I dismissed my fears, the churchwarden was a church officer, he said I was his daughter, he is eccentric, so I excused him.
· How was I expected to cope with being daughter/not daughter. Like when there was a party for *****s stepmum, all the family were there, I was very blatantly not invited and the churchwarden’s wife was going through the details of the party for days afterwards, what fun the children had etc. It was torture for me and I got told off for not knowing how to react. Daughter? Shameful secret? (I was alternately daughter and not daughter, he said I was, but it was kept a secret from their family).
· the churchwarden hugged me sometimes when he was wearing his pyjamas and sometimes when he was in pyjamas with no pyjama top on. I didn’t see this as sexual, but I jokingly told him to put his top on, there was no genital contact in the pyjama hugs. I never hugged the churchwarden when I was wearing my pyjamas, the churchwarden and the his wife never saw me in pyjamas as I was shy, I was always fully dressed in dayclothes when they saw me. the churchwarden and his wife didn’t see me on Christmas day after I walked out as I went home to bed, but on boxing day morning the churchwarden wanted me to come out of my room and hug him, his words, but I told him that it would be rude because I still in my pyjamas.