When my dad died I realised I knew nothing about him apart from him being dad, I learned a bit from his funeral. We weren’t the sort of family to ask questions and tell things and he never talked about his past.
My family really don’t know me, so I started a journal and then a blog so that at least someone will know some of my story when I die.
I am like a lost child, regressed and left regressed to suffer all the hurts and denials of the church. I suck my thumb to comfort myself.
I go along with what peopel say too often and end up angry and hurt when I am let down. I want to know why I do this, that’s why I asked for psychological help.
Before all this matter with the church, and my dad’s death in the middle of it, I didn’t fall out with my family. I never fell out with brother E or sister D, they were my friends, and I was ok with everyone else, no fall outs, just not a lot of communication because the family were like that and I was moving around so it was hard to keep in contact with them. The only person I wouldn’t communicate with was Brother C. I was also never close to sister G as she had always been very scornful of me. The fall outs came from the stress of the circumstances with the church and my family not understanding for example when I had to leave the Island for six weeks and my sister put me under pressure to make a decision about living with her friends for that time, and the rent was too steep for me, and she had to lend me money and then some time later made a comment about not expecting to see her money back, we fell out over that. And I explained about my brother and his view of what I said about mum being his mum, not mine, etc.
Dad’s death and the fights in the family after that were worse for me because of the already difficult circumstances with the church.
My journal tells me that in August last year I was sitting on a railway station at nearly midnight, too distressed to do anything because of the Bishop and safeguarding official and what they said about me and what they said in court that was inaccurate.
The journal goes on to where I asked myself what was wrong with me.
‘Not mental illness’ has been proven time after time against the diocese trying to force mental illness onto me.
My doctor agrees that I don’t present any mental illness.
My behaviour was out of control in response to the way I was treated, and the mental health team that asessed me one time after the diocese tried to make me out to be mad mentioned trauma.
I am ashamed of my out of control behaviour but I was provoked by the way the church treated me and tried to absolve themselves of any liability and left me carrying the weight of the blame.