I just started crying, I am condemned by the church forever, no-one ever has or ever will call the church and clergy to account or do anything about what they do and what they get away with, and I will never recover from what they have done.
14/11/2011 I feel so useless, when does this nightmare end? why won’t God let me die and be out of this nightmare?
I am trying to ignore the bad feelings, usually being tired and sleepy helps to drown them out, so that is what I am doing.
I feel so utterly useless and beaten.
I feel that I will always be vulnerable because of the church.
I feel that life will always be too full of bad triggers to be worthwhile.
I feel so useless tonight, too many memories, I feel so worthless, and I wish I could get a psychologist to analyse what I have written and will write and tell me what they think.
Drowning in hopelessness, I have to stop writing 17+ for the moment.
About four years ago I had a car, a place to live, I had friends, I had a future, maybe. I had happy memories and sea and adoptive family and some sort of happiness. I struggled with life, but I never imagined that I would end up condemned and without a future.
Now I sleep outdoors in the dark with horrifying and distressing memories bothering me, and no future.
I have nothing to live for and there is no way of changing that. I have no car or licence, I have no bank account and no money, I have no identity, the only ID I have is my passport which isn’t fully English, and my records. I am condemned, I am gagged, I am in pain that until someone calls the church to account and releases me from condemnation, I will never be free from.
what are my memories? I try to block memories, but they are all I have, because who I am, who I was is in those memories, I am no longer, but I cannot go back and collect myself and make everything fine again, as if it was ever perfectly fine.
I remember being a young child and being scared and abused, seeing violence and feeling harsh punishments, I remember being on the move all the time, I remember the hostile press and the hysteria, I remember the violence and hostility, I remember my sister being assaulted, the violence in the hostel, the nightmare of the small house and trying to go to school aged 8 and not fitting in, the endless moving on, the hardship, the anger, the violence, the depression, the crazy religeon, the homelessness, the shame and poverty and ragged clothes, the missing out on all the good things, the escape from the family and attempt to sort myself out and do better, the struggles, the failures, the abuse, the condemnation of the church, the destroyal of what I ha tried to build of a life, and the shame as the church continued to harm me after destroying me, and how they blamed me for reacting and denied responsibility.
what hope is there? that is thirty years of fighting against the tide, all the good ambitions I had, honest hard work, hope for healing and a good safe home and family is gone, my career and home and everything I lived for, and the little bit of quality of life that I gained, are gone, there is nothing, and no way of rebuilding it. I cannot live indoors or remove the terrible one sided story that the church have placed there, the bad record they have given me, I am helpless and lost and too damaged to ever heal.
I end up with my head raging about the way that the church have treated me and the things they have done.
It is no good raging, and it is no good remembering everything I have lost. No one is going to help me or bring the church to account.
well this is a crash into despair and depression.
I am trying to see a way out of it. Sometimes I can’t keep all the bad memories and injustice locked in, sometimes I can’t cope with the church condemning me.
I went to a church last night but it was not a friendly church, more of a talk behind their hands because I’m homeless church.
I went to the Samaritans and they tend to be very good, I saw someone I had seen before, and he is very understanding and encouraging.
Why don’t I have an online church for abuse survivors and outcasts?
It is a struggle to deal with the clocks changing, it means more time waiting for bedtime in the evening, and more time waiting for the library to open in the morning.
Last night was a night of distresses and bad memories, between my family and the church I feel like the worst person in the world.
It rained enough in the early hours to wake me up, and as I slept again I was woken up by a rat trying to get into my backpack, my backpack is pillow, so having a rat right by my head was not too amusing, but when I shone my torch on it it reluctantly moved off, and when I threw gravel at it it reluctantly moved further off, the gravel sparked as I threw it, I suppose it does that in the dark.
I am not scared of rats but they are destructive and germ ridden and I don’t want my food eaten by them or my backpack damaged, fortunately this backpack is rat-proof.
I got up early as it got light early and went to the market, it is really hard to be up early with nothing to do until the library opens, I had several cups of tea and a good wash and change of clothes, and went round the bins collecting stickers.
I found nearly a whole pizza in the bin yesterday, I think that was what the rat was after.
Am I the bad person? my family aren’t there for me, and the church condemn my life.
I feel so useless, I wish God would let my life end.
Abuse takes the beauty out of beautiful scenery, it takes away smiles and laughter, it isolates people, it shames people, it takes hopes and bright futures. Abuse is bad, and so much abuse is denied at the expense of the victim.
The ongoing Poem of Comparisons:
who are these people who abused you?
well a Christian is a follower of Christ,
and did he abuse or advocate it?
who are these people who called you mad?
did Jesus condemn madness and use it to cover his tracks?
did he wrongly accuse anyone as madness?
no, he helped legion and didn’t blame him
Who are these peopel who called you wicked, a liar, mad and all those other terrible things?
when did Jesus do this? when did he advocate it? Never, it was done to Him
these people who have done these things are covering up their own wrongdoing
at such a price to the one they do it to
just as they did to Jesus when He shamed them
who are these people, in their big houses and so surrounded by wealth and good
that they have no understanding of poverty and pain? and yet for show they claim to help the poor?
Jesus was homeless and had nothing,
he was scorned and crucified by the people who claimed to be teachers of God’s law
think about that and think about who is writing this
Jesus died in pain and agony, who are these people who suffer nothing and live in luxury?
did Jesus work in an organization that puts out it’s hands for money, hires out it’s places of worship for money and lives behind lawyers, advisers and safeguarding?
Jesus turned the tables over in the temple in anger
but the church conveniently erases that, interprets that as they like
and despises and looks down on people like me, who struggle to build a better life out of poverty
The unforgiving church destroyed me for my distress and speaking out
are these people Christians?
Jesus taught forgiveness but the church in the strong position preferred harsh punishments
just as they had Jesus crucified thousands of years ago.
just as they crucified me, though I am no-one, just a thorn in their side
extract from 28/10/2011
I want to tell you about the church and what has happened and my feelings, but it all just sits inside and hurts, the church really did gag me, they complately rubbished me, and my feeble faltering voice won’t work any more, I just live with the pain and anger inside me.