Anything and Everything

By 2010, I wasn’t ‘mentally ill’ in the way the Deanery and Diocese have always wanted it to read, but I was in a state of severe collapse, and because of the combined way that the Diocese, Police and Islanders had treated me because of me reporting the churchwarden, I certainly trusted no-one, but that is not the serious mental illness that the diocese and deanery always broadcast me as having, that was a reaction to the seriousness of the situation, in every way, I was in poverty, I was being hurt, the injustice and the way I was treated in a small community was unbearable, especially as I was already severely damaged both from my horrific background and also from my experiences in the Diocese of Winchester previous to Jersey.

I was in a bad way, and I knew it, but help was scarce in Jersey, the psychology services had not yet installed their new specialist psychologist that I and others had campaigned for, effective counselling that I could afford was not available, (I had seen two Jersey counsellors and neither were effective), I was too damaged for counselling and cannot actually engage and bond with a counsellor or therapist unless they are specialist or can work with me through art.

Social services were not able to help, nor did I feel safe with them due to my childhood, and I am incensed that Jane Fisher was allowed in any way to violate my relationship with social services and have lies recorded in the Korris report, I saw social services voluntarily and I saw them originally due to reporting the churchwarden, saw them voluntarily on suggestion by the man at Autism Jersey. I saw them later as my life floundered in 2010 but was too wary due to my background and was not actually finding it helpful, thus it was my right to stop seeing them, and I am incensed by the violation and insinuations about this in the Korris report, firstly it was none of the Diocese’s business, and any involvement by them is a violation of my human rights and harassment, and secondly the Korris report using it as evidence against me to validate Jane Fisher’s illegal involvement and harassment of me is just shocking.

By the end of my time in Jersey I was waiting for my psychology appointment with the new specialist, I was under my doctor and was trying to take anti-depressants, which I am allergic to, all brands, because my system cannot process them.
(I am sensetive to many medicines and have to be very careful, and yet this is one of many things that was overlooked for years in the UK and Jersey until after so many let downs, I have pro-actively taken over my own care, because the NHS seem incapable of even following up on any concerns and thanks to the diocese, really do not understand me at all).

Anti-depressants affected both my life from when I left my family and also my time in Jersey, causing severe mood swings and physical illness and also deep depressions, and despite how I still have behavioural problems, I am profoundly more stable than I was with those dangerous chemicals in my system, as I needed some more specific and natural help. Anti-depressants may work for some people with the ‘illness’ depression, but my depression has specific causes, life circumstances, past and present, and hormones, the latter of which has been treated since Jersey and the other can only be worked through, and I take 5-HTP every day to try and help, but chemical anti-depressants were lethal for me and did not help, made it worse on some of them, especially the one Jill Lihou had me put on on the pretext that she would control and administer it as it was potentially harmful.

I am not one of these activists against anti-depressants, they apparently save lives, but they are harmful to me, and I was told by a rare ‘good mental health worker’, about the behind the scenes side of the tests done into anti-depressants, which did not really prove them safe.
That same mental health worker said I did not appear to be mentally ill, and said that my fears that led to me wanting another psychiatric assessment because of the Diocese (this was in 2012!) were unneccessary.

The computer is playing up, so I will stop there and start another post later.

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9 thoughts on “Anything and Everything

  1. I've always avoided antidepressants. I channel any depression or grief into writing. I find that works well. I spent three months collating history, tributes from friends, writings and poems and pictures, into a tribute book for my late partner, Annie, and that helped me cope with the grief I think better than drugs because I worked through it, at times weeping copiously.

  2. Hi Tony, Thank you for sharing that.
    I agree with you, writing is the best outlet for feelings and grief of all kinds, and the best anti-depressant.
    Although I am not recommending that any readers on anti-depressants come off them without medical advice.

  3. You are intelligent, articulate and caring.

    I hope your writings will help some people, but above all they testify to your sanity and balance.

    Sure, you have mood swings. Sure, you don't trust people. You'd be mad if you didn't given all that you have gone through.

    You have twice had a go at me and been very hurtful, but that doesn't matter. I just stay around and hope you will end up taking me at face value, as I do you.

    Your writing is very powerful and, I'm sure, touches more people than me, and profoundly on occasions.

    It would be good if you got it all down and then could distill it in some way for newcomers or to be able to introduce yourself to people in that way and let them then follow up in more depth. Think about it.

    Respect.

  4. Polo, thank you for your comment.
    Regarding being hurtful to you, yes, I can't say I wasn't, but it was not pre-meditated and the first time I wonder if you have any idea the depth of what you did to trigger that! (In relation to something Bob and Julie did and risk to me?)
    The second time, well I feel like blaming stress, but I am sorry, I am still on a learning curve with this old temper! 😦
    As for taking you at face value, I do, my friend, I do, I think the world of you and Elle and everyone, as I said in a previous post 'You are the good that came out of all this bad'. Hence the slightly quicker recovery the second time! Working on it.

    Last comment, I think I know what you are saying, but I can't work out how to do it, keep thinking for me please! 🙂

    Bless you. x

  5. You did apologise and thank you.

    I was simply mentioning it because, while I may not appreciate the effect on you of things I say but don't realise, equally I think it is important for you to know that things you sometimes say don't roll like water off a duck's back.

    I was trying, in a roundabout way, to say that when people are friends, they can still hurt one another, but being friends and trusting one another means that can be overcome.

    I can't speak for others, but I know that Elle and I have your interest at heart, and if we hurt you, it is not intended. God knows, as Stuart said, you've been oppressed enough already.

  6. Hi Polo. Thank you for your comment. I am still working on how I can get distressed and misinterpret things, not being able to afford therapy recently didn't help.
    It is really hard for me to actually know how to deal with friendship problems, it is one of my biggest barriers in relationships. Never deliberately.
    I am avoidant and I tend to try and escape when things hurt. Which is why I am in the therapy I am in.
    I know you never mean to hurt me, and I never mean to hurt you 🙂

  7. It is very hard to know how to react to people, especially over the internet, and even more in your case given all you've been through. Though your writing, as I said, is very powerful and clearly comes from the heart.

    My comment on friendship was just that. A comment. It presumes nothing and is not meant to crowd you.

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