Let’s go back 9

FM talked to me, he told me that he used to be in the Samaritans with Chad Varrah, whoever he was, and that there were women at the Samaritans then called Brendas who would listen on the phone if a dirty caller phoned to masturbate on the phone, he told me that he was circumcised and that he was impotent in that if he tried to penetrate a woman he lost his erection – later when I told JM of the abuse, she said he became impotent when she started refusing him sex because of his temper tantrums, FM also told me about how he had been seduced by a teenage girl when he was a boy, and too young, and he said he wanted to help me in case I ever had a boyfriend, I told him I had had a boyfriend, and he was really interested, he wanted to know more, but I would not talk about Mark, I couldn’t because I was too hurt by the way Mark had treated me.

FM’s advances continued, he still had a temper unless he was being sweet to me, so I tried to encourage the sweetness, especially as he threatened to throw me out on the streets one day in his temper, but the sweetness from him was mingled with inappropriate, and though JM tries to make what was happening out to be me being manipulative or getting back at her for the failings in her friendship with me, I was doing nothing of the kind, I was afraid of FM and being thrown on the street, I wanted to be an adoptive daughter, I was desperate not to return to my own family or be homeless, I wanted to stay with JM because despite our differences, I loved her, I was afraid of FM and went along with what he wanted, I had no idea about controlling boundaries and no assertiveness to deal with things, I was still developing and trying to grow away from my family and the beliefs that my parents had taught me, which were holding me back, I was also being affected by the anti-depressants, and the whole situation was out of my control.

FM would get me to sit in his chair and play computer games, I liked this, I played computer games on JM’s computer, and though my inability to concentrate properly prevented me from being any good at games, I was happy playing computer games, but not FM games, he would stand behind the chair with his hands on my shoulders, then his hands started to move, at first I tried to move away, but I was afraid of his anger, so I ignored his hands, he got us to take turns at sitting in the chair and stroking, then one day when I was playing computer games he came into the office with his trousers unzipped, he said my name, but I would not look at him, he went into the corner behind the door and fiddled about, as far as I know he didn’t have an orgasm, but he zipped up and said something about how he was leaking because he was old – I actually remain too autistic and inexperienced to know what he meant exactly, but it was something to do with his penis I think. He would blow on me when I sat there, which was strange, I blowed back one day and he didn’t seem to like that so much.

He liked to sit in his chair in the front room, he would get me to sit on the floor by him, but he took to touching himself while I was sitting there, at the time I didn’t make the connection between that touching and the possibility that he wanted oral sex at all, but one day he got me to come and sit in front of him and he started stroking himself through his trousers and I said ‘No, don’t do that’, he said ‘A gentleman can touch himself’, I shook my head and went away from him.

Later the same day I had been asleep and I went downstairs and out in the garden, then I made a cup of tea but JM was out and FM was asleep and I do not know where JM’s parents were, I went upstairs but FM was not in the bedroom, the door was open, he was up in the bathroom, he had a severe nosebleed. A few days later he had another one, it was so bad that he had to go to hospital, he came back once they had stopped his nosebleed, and JM said something about him having to go to hospital without even putting his teeth in, I had not realised until then he had false teeth, and JM told me that he had done it out of impatience, because he was tired of going to the dentist so he had his teeth pulled.

That morning that FM was taken to hospital, JM went with him, so I walked the dog, JM’s infuriating dog walking companions asked where she was, I was not sure I should tell them, so I said she was busy, JM heard about this and said ‘you are so very discreet aren’t you?’ But I was puzzled by that.
But as soon as FM came back from the hospital he hugged me straight away, I was surprised, and I thought he would be in an angry upset mood, but he wasn’t.

And so the sexual indiscretion continued. JM was out often, she was indeed very very busy, her mother was not happy about me being there and took her dad with her to stay at JM’s sister’s house, this happened frequently in protest to other things, not just me. So me and FM were alone a lot, I was too dopey to go out much, and FM would come to me when JM went out, he lay on the floor with me a lot, he would lie with his head at my feet, which was odd, he told me this was how he used to lie with one of his girlfriends, it was very strange, but I liked the attention, the non-sexual attention. He was a bit strange though, he said he could see up my nose when we were lying like that, he also used to blow at me, which was very odd, but when I blew back he got kind of cross.

We lay on the floor like that in the room where I was living, we also lay on the floor on the landing and he touched me between the legs and I giggled because it tickled, he asked if I was having orgasms but I told him I was not, because I was not, the touch was ticklish but did not make me have orgasms, I was too touch sensitive and most of his touch to my back, stomach and legs also made me giggle and fidget, the touch was borderline painful really, I did not know it was the touch sensitivity that goes with being autistic, touch will always be difficult for me and I think that is one reason I have few relationships.

He implied that he wanted oral sex, and told me he would reciprocate, I asked JM what reciprocate meant, I did not want to give oral sex nor did I want him to give me oral sex, the thought of such things disgusted me.
One day FM and I were upstairs, he got me to go to him in the bedroom, he had unzipped his trousers and was playing with himself, I wasn’t interested, I don’t like men’s genitals, but he wanted me to help him, and he was insistent,  he said something about not wanting to come in his pants or trousers, I went upstairs to the bathroom with him because he said something about not wanting to come in his trousers, he was standing over the washbasin stroking himself, he got me to put my hand under his testicles,  he said ‘you’ve done this before, haven’t you?’ he got me to stroke him and he had an orgasm, then he said something about cleaning up, I went and sat on the landing and read a book about Lincoln Cathedral that had something about JM in it, I think she had written an article about herself for the book when she was deacon at the cathedral.
The things I have described above are not necessarily in the order that they happened, I am not completely clear on the order that they happened, only that they did.

JM’s parents came back from JM’s sister’s house, they  were arguing very loudly late one night, because JM’s dad was deaf so his mum had to shout, she shouted a lot anyway, she was going on about me and FM, so it had obviously been noticed that something was wrong, but she was making me out to be to blame, with her usual concrete and condemning opinion she was calling me names, she called me scheming and artful and said I was using JM, even though I was simply constantly going along with JM’s ideas including her and FM’s idea to have me living there.

JM did not hear them, but later she came out to go to the toilet as she usually did during the night, I stopped her and told her that I had overheard her parents and that I couldn’t stay there because it wasn’t fair on her among other things, I didn’t tell her about what FM had been doing, she told me to sleep and we would sort it out in the morning, but I was devastated, in the morning I went to get my suitcases from the garage, JM and I had applied to put me in a sheltered house in the village, but I said that I wasn’t staying around until I got a place there, JM’s Mum was yelling and screaming and saying it was no wonder that my parents had rejected me – which was sorely not the case, yes I believed that my mother didn’t love me, but I was neither rejected nor thrown out by my family, my biggest fear in life was being forced to return to them as my sister had been and it had made her suicidal.
JM told her mother off, and told her she was vindictive, I didn’t know that word back then, half my words came out muddled as my speech increased, and JM had been trying to help me to speak properly.

JM’s dad just alternately agreed with JM or her mum, whoever was speaking to him, JM said he was self-centred and liked an easy life and plenty of food, so during the rows he just nodded away and agreed busily with whoever was speaking, which was actually funny in a way.

The storming rows went on all day, FM and JM’s mother mainly ripping into each other while I sat on the floor and shook, when JM’s mother got a chance she ripped into me as well, but both FM and JM stopped her, JM’s sister also joined in support of her mother, I was sick a lot. JM took me and the dog for a walk and FM insisted on coming with us.

FM would not let me be alone with JM, aside from a few minutes in which JM asked me if anything had happened and I told her I was not interested in FM and was not having an affair, she said something her mother and sister being afraid that I would cry rape, whatever that meant.

JM arranged for me to go and stay in a bed and breakfast in the village, I was very relieved, deeply so, the bed and breakfast belonged to a lovely friendly couple called *** and ****, who through that bed and breakfast stay became my friends and I also became their gardener and dog walker later on  and also became friend and gardener to ****’s mother as well  and was devastated when their  marriage came to a chaotic and heartbreaking ending, the details I never knew and would not let ****’s mother tell me, but they were so lovely and they seemed to have a happy settled home there with their three sons and various cats and dogs, their bed and breakfast was a sunny bright and extremely well equipped clean homey self contained unit above their garage, I loved it there.

FM came up to see me once at the bed and breakfast and didn’t do anything very naughty, he was sent by JM and said something about me keeping the bed warm for him because he arrived when I was in bed, JM came up once and tried to help me with an infected boil I had between my chin and neck. In the meantime I had to be careful not to go to the rectory because of JM’s family, so I had to meet JM away from the rectory for dog walks, and then the placement came up at the sheltered house in the village.

 One day I went to the rectory for something and JM’s sister’s batty old dog, Tilly, rushed out and bit me, making a hole in my new jeans and scratching my leg, and then one day just after that, JM’s mum was reading a planning permission notice in the lay-by and she said hello to me and asked me what the notice meant, and my relationship with her and JM’s sister remained up and down like this throughout, but I think they seemed relieved that the dog incident hadn’t been more serious and that I hadn’t complained, the dog was always snapping because it was old and in a bad way, but it had been JM’s sister’s husband’s dog and he was dead so she wanted to hold onto the dog.
JM’s sister and Mum never understood me, although I also did some gardening for the sister at one point.


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